Weddings, Untimely Death, Truths, Perfect Day

Why am I bothering to type this for no one to read?  I suppose that I'm doing it for myself to record something... too much to even try to express.  Too void of emotion on this Thursday night.  Keeping busy with random crafts/ projects:  decorating Nightmare Before Christmas stuff at COA, buying for DaShanna's baby, getting Chanukah silly stuff for Jeff... thinking about getting a sewing machine... Going to do whatever to keep my mind from wandering... but that's a joke.  So much to say... Right as I was searching for that baby's Gator gear, I got the horrible news:  at almost 8 months, the baby was gone.  I still can't write how I feel.  Christin delivered her and she was held and baptized, Elise Marie.  She was due on November 2.  This past weekend brought another tragedy.  Yet, I still don't feel that bad about it.  I saw a picture and she doesn't hold a candle to me.  She was not put together at all, yet he looked lovely.  I really felt sorry for her.  It was a side picture and showed her arms in a sleeveless dress... large arms.  Her hair was like the day I'd first seen her on their first ("there won't be a second") date, and she looked disheveled, but I guess that she was happy with her pies and dinosaur cake topper.  Oh myyyyyy.  And, somewhere in my heart, I hate to sound insane, but, it isn't over.  Whether this means he and I shall reunite in Heaven or here on Earth is yet to be seen, but I have never felt the same way about another person.  He taught me to always have Hope for the Flowers...

I guess another thing that has helped me get through is what his sister's ex-husband has told me.  I'm very grateful for his own struggle and mental anguish in telling me the truths of what he had witnessed... he informed me that the "Christian" women in that family used to love to shred me to pieces.  It was their favorite pass-time.  Maybe because I was the only one who could stand up to her?  I'm not sure... But, I know all the secrets he had kept from me, to spare my feelings.  And then I saw the age of Miss Plus-Size Match.com.  She graduated college in 2009.  What?  Way to go for the 20s.  Oh my.  I have so much to say about all of this.  But, the last time D and I were together, he could've sworn he found a "pic" of me on the 'net... didn't look anything like me... on that note, I did find a couple of her. Here's one:

But, actually, I'm being factious and malicious, because this model is much, much prettier.  Well, Mrs. Gums Newlywed never got her $50 shower curtain... I sure wish that I could have sent it to him.  On another note... I think I might just hike the Appalachian Trail.  He's living the life I'd always wanted... why not live the life he'd always wanted?  Wouldn't that be silly?  But, I'm not sure I'd do the whole thing... not the entire GA to Maine, but we'll see what the future holds... Awhile back, I stumbled upon the book Hiking Through by Stutzman and became inspired.  I anticipated that it might be the thing to get me through this, ironically.

And Sweet Lou, Mr. Bowie's great influence, passed the week before the wedding... I heard nothing from him (and why should I?  Why mix your feelings with what you think you want?).  But I know that I was in his head.  There is no way that he could think of Bowie, Warhol, The Velvet Underground, and Lou, himself, without thinking of me?  It's true, though, "You made me forget myself.  I thought I was someone else.  Someone good."

And I thank you for all those perfect days... I guess because of them "you just keep me hanging on" indeed.  Come What May.