ten

a great album by pearl jam, but also the number of years it was last friday.

i know him very well.  i know how he thinks.  he's freaking out because of his age, marriages and now divorces all around.  time to marry whatever comes along... so, let's find something on the internet.  so not his style.

i should've done this or that.  he told me he should've done this or that.  i really should've moved up there a year ago-- to think, if so, he never would've met her.  and we'd been talking.  he even said things to the note of "if we were to ever try again..."  oh well.  hindsight. 

but, i want him to be happy.  that is true love.  the thing that bothers me the most is that we might not be together in heaven.  doesn't that sound silly?  i know i'm blessed because he was my life from 22 to 30.

i'm hanging in there, but sometimes i feel like my soul is dead.

I'll be around... or being home again

There are so many great lyrics that express what I'm feeling... from loss to moving on to sweet Jesus, get a clue and come back to me!  I intended to post The Spinner's "I'll Be Around" but as I'm typing, I have other things in mind now.  It's been a tough week, as I mourn Carrie, dream of HIM, and just keep chugging along.  Some days are better than others, of course.  Perhaps I should rejoice in the fact that I might be seeing the new Fantasyland in a private tour soon.  Oh well.  I'm so bipolar over this... happy that he could be happy, but knowing that he's settling... if not missing me, missing that AZ girl.  I just want him to be happy.  That's what real love is, right?  But then I'm aching b/c I miss him and end up having quite interesting/naughty dreams about him.  Subconcious... who knows why you make me dream what I dream (well, someone knows, but I won't go into all that at the moment). 

I wonder about his sister and pray that she has a large supply of tissues (I carried a box in my car for a year and a half), a shoulder to lean on, and things to keep her mind off of it all-- not likely, as her life has been about her husband.  I look at everything I've amassed in the past decade... not easy to just "forget" someone and move on.  I know she's in good hands.  I miss Bill terribly.  I'm not sure that Linda ever really liked me, so she's probably happy that I'm gone.  But Bill... what a guy.  And what sucks is that with D's normalcy and wonderful nature, I know that's how he'd turn out.  I know that he was raised well.  Not like anyone else I've met.  I miss his family.  I continue to pray for them.  I don't know why.  I suppose out of love for them and him.

So, today's lyrical selection (and there were so many to choose from and I feel like I should save this for Thanksgiving) will be from CD II... Josh Groban's "My Heart Was Home Again"... I've come to realize what D really is for me, so this is appropriate I suppose.

So it goes, history shows
Deserts must expand
And camels sail like wooden ships
Like women on the strand

There's sand on Second Avenue
And the wind blows like a train
Taxis light up like a string of pearls
Around the block again

And I remembered everything
And every windowpane
Every word came back to me
The way it used to be

Then I saw your face across the street
And my heart was home again

There's a bus that leaves at eight fifteen
And another one at ten
Should I climb aboard, risk everything
And ride it to the end

Watch the hills like roller coasters
Up against the sky
And wish that you were here by me
So close that I could die

You said love wrecks everything
And none of us survive
So I got over you last night
And I am still alive

Then I saw your face across the street
And my heart was home again

And I remembered everything
And every windowpane
Every word came back to me
The way it used to be

Then I saw your face across the street
And my heart was home again.



I want to go home... Daniel is my home... wherever he may be.