Weddings, Untimely Death, Truths, Perfect Day

Why am I bothering to type this for no one to read?  I suppose that I'm doing it for myself to record something... too much to even try to express.  Too void of emotion on this Thursday night.  Keeping busy with random crafts/ projects:  decorating Nightmare Before Christmas stuff at COA, buying for DaShanna's baby, getting Chanukah silly stuff for Jeff... thinking about getting a sewing machine... Going to do whatever to keep my mind from wandering... but that's a joke.  So much to say... Right as I was searching for that baby's Gator gear, I got the horrible news:  at almost 8 months, the baby was gone.  I still can't write how I feel.  Christin delivered her and she was held and baptized, Elise Marie.  She was due on November 2.  This past weekend brought another tragedy.  Yet, I still don't feel that bad about it.  I saw a picture and she doesn't hold a candle to me.  She was not put together at all, yet he looked lovely.  I really felt sorry for her.  It was a side picture and showed her arms in a sleeveless dress... large arms.  Her hair was like the day I'd first seen her on their first ("there won't be a second") date, and she looked disheveled, but I guess that she was happy with her pies and dinosaur cake topper.  Oh myyyyyy.  And, somewhere in my heart, I hate to sound insane, but, it isn't over.  Whether this means he and I shall reunite in Heaven or here on Earth is yet to be seen, but I have never felt the same way about another person.  He taught me to always have Hope for the Flowers...

I guess another thing that has helped me get through is what his sister's ex-husband has told me.  I'm very grateful for his own struggle and mental anguish in telling me the truths of what he had witnessed... he informed me that the "Christian" women in that family used to love to shred me to pieces.  It was their favorite pass-time.  Maybe because I was the only one who could stand up to her?  I'm not sure... But, I know all the secrets he had kept from me, to spare my feelings.  And then I saw the age of Miss Plus-Size Match.com.  She graduated college in 2009.  What?  Way to go for the 20s.  Oh my.  I have so much to say about all of this.  But, the last time D and I were together, he could've sworn he found a "pic" of me on the 'net... didn't look anything like me... on that note, I did find a couple of her. Here's one:

But, actually, I'm being factious and malicious, because this model is much, much prettier.  Well, Mrs. Gums Newlywed never got her $50 shower curtain... I sure wish that I could have sent it to him.  On another note... I think I might just hike the Appalachian Trail.  He's living the life I'd always wanted... why not live the life he'd always wanted?  Wouldn't that be silly?  But, I'm not sure I'd do the whole thing... not the entire GA to Maine, but we'll see what the future holds... Awhile back, I stumbled upon the book Hiking Through by Stutzman and became inspired.  I anticipated that it might be the thing to get me through this, ironically.

And Sweet Lou, Mr. Bowie's great influence, passed the week before the wedding... I heard nothing from him (and why should I?  Why mix your feelings with what you think you want?).  But I know that I was in his head.  There is no way that he could think of Bowie, Warhol, The Velvet Underground, and Lou, himself, without thinking of me?  It's true, though, "You made me forget myself.  I thought I was someone else.  Someone good."

And I thank you for all those perfect days... I guess because of them "you just keep me hanging on" indeed.  Come What May.

Wishing I was setting up my classroom

So, I'm feeling the need to go to bed, after randomly searching for a Gators (yuck) onesie for no-name Moreria and ending up with a pretty fly bracelet with a rhinestone arrow with an angel wing hanging from it from Burlington Coat Factory... so, I'm a bit tired... crazy week... I'm looking at my facebook page and see Justin Collins and click on his page to see if there's any new Liam pics, since his wife (Nina's sister) had promised they were coming soon.  What I find is a status that I'm seeing more and more at this time of year (posted by his mother yesterday)... "Tomorrow it's back to school for Justin Collins, Meghan Mendicino Collins, and Stacey Shepherd, along with all the other Patrick County teachers. I'm not going back, so why am I so sad? Summer goes by way too fast!"
People commented about other people going back and Justin commented:
"Times like these there needs to be an unlike button, or a BOOO! button. Yes it flew by, and yes it makes me sad, but the silver lining is I will start another year that gets me closer to retirement!"
...and then this twit said something that made me want to smack her:
Kathy Midkiff Allen: I am ALWAYS sad when school starts.

So, I wrote (mind you, I didn't realize I wasn't writing to Justin at this point):  "Yes, summer does go by way too quickly.  Life goes by way too quickly.  Soon, Liam will have a real girlfriend, not just his uncle's goofy sister.  But, that sister longs for the days when she got to step back into the classroom.  A right-to-work state, not knowing how to ass-kiss, and a power-hungry woman robbed her of her classroom too early... now there are a billion teachers graduating every semester that wouldn't have to be paid as much b/c they don't have their MA nor any experience.  I'd give anything to be sad about the summer being "over."  I'd give anything to be preparing for a new year.  Cherish what you have because you never know when your life can go from perfect to... well... shit.  Not saying, oh, pity me or not taking responsibility for my actions, but it was out of the blue... no action plan... no prior warning... it was seriously a shock... I was blindsided.  Anyhow... I know that you're happy and I don't know why I'm on that tangent.  I should just erase this whole thing."

Then I thought... no.  I need to post this somewhere... I need to think on this.  I need to air some sort of grievance about the whole matter.  It wasn't right and it still isn't.  People don't appreciate what they've got until it's gone... but the sad fact is that I did appreciate those children and my job at the time I had it.  Fuckin' A.  Oh well.  I figure I need to post something.  His mom seems a little uppity sometimes... like a Liam-and-siblings hogger.  Maybe she's sad that she'll have to give up Barrett to Kindergarten.  She'll have to give up her son and daughter-in-law to work.  She won't have them all the time, b/c, Lord knows, they aren't up in Buckhannon visiting her family-- they're down there living amongst his.  Ah well.  Why do I care?  I talk to Justin more than my own brother at the moment via Instagram lol.

And as others are setting theirs up, Debbie J. is tearing hers down, moving to a new school to be a Math/ Science coach.  Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes... Seeing a picture of that was difficult for me.  No Debbie at PHE?  That's definitely not PHE.  Sigh.  And then I think of that floppy thing that's going to marry the man I love... setting up her classroom... why, oh God, why did my life turn out like this?  The things I wanted starting back at me... rounded manatees with giants gums.  Ahhhhh!  Need to be tactful and think of something to say to Grandma Collins... hmm... so I wrote:

Life goes by way too quickly. I'd give anything to be sad about the summer being "over." I'd give anything to be preparing for a new year. Cherish these years and the lives that you change.

wedding registries

You're not the same... you'd never register for a $50 shower curtain with me... what a shame.

All we wanted was a hot tub for when the kids had fallen asleep... not over-priced glass kitchen gadgets and lamps. 

 

I'm in a funk and I have a friend who only talks to me when he gets drunk.

Yep, that's me.  Rhymin' and stealin' with the old school flava.  I am a big ball of stress.  Life goes on and it's hard to do it on your own.  My parents don't get that b/c they were never alone... although happy that they're celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary at the end of this month.  It's hard to do all the chores of your home, to make sure your bills are paid, to make sure you have food to eat, to make sure that things get fixed when they break.  I'm so tired of this life.  I pin wonderful ideas on Pinterest of awesome things I want to do to my home... but that's just it... I don't have a home.  I rent... and I received the inevitable letter that my rent would be increasing since I've been here almost a year.  I pin things and then I found her... and him.  And I was clued in to the fact that they are cohabiting.  My heart was broken even more... and then I became very annoyed, as most of the pins she'd pinned onto her house/home board were that which I'd already pinned.  Yet more proof that she is a cheap imitation of me... but I was so annoyed with the "I love Fiesta Ware" comment... it's "Fiestaware," bitch.  But, I didn't have a lot of other boards, as she did, like style and makeup and hairstyles.  That's not me.  Fake eyelashes?  haha... I don't need them.   

How does someone else get the life you wanted and thought you deserved?  I wanted a house in WV... I wanted to move back to Morgantown-- it's my town.  I was visiting that town before you had moved out of your states!  I belong there teaching!  How did my dreams not come true?  I've prayed every night for over 2 decades (I've missed a few nights) for my family and never asked for anything-- only not to have my pain and the past few years for one other thing.  I have to believe in God because of the greatness I've witnessed in this world, but I must wonder, as I see all these learned people laughing about His non-existance and how believers are idiots.  I've always been ahead of the curve...

I've been right about a lot of things (maybe not the Mayans)... I'm always right when it comes to Daniel.  King of Hindsight, lover of my ass, pushed into a loveless "there won't be a second date" marriage, feeling the panic/ pain when he does-- the souls connecting.  But, the house?  With him?  What good is Pinterest if you don't have a great old house in WV to be crafty with or a classroom to use these great teaching techniques/ideas with?  What good is it to dream if you can't do it?  I don't know where I went wrong and I keep coming back to the title of this blog... it's the one thing I think of... "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans."  John was, indeed, right.

Life is difficult when you have no one to share it with... it's difficult mentally not to be able to vent. It's difficult to remember and tackle maintenance/ finances on your own.  It's difficult to make long-term decisions and not want to face the possible fact that you might be trapped in the city you life in merely because you cannot move back to YOUR home among the hills because some poser has made a life with the one you love.

And it's difficult to make friends the older you get.  Everyone has kids and/or husbands/wives.  Or, they only talk to you on the weekends when they're drunk... or not talking to their other friends.  Oh, whoops, just venting about the closest thing I had to a best friend down here.  Sigh.  I want to go back home.  I was there a week ago... and I want to move back to Morgantown (4 years ago-- before he did... then we would have gotten along swimmingly).  I would've missed out on being unemployed, carless, starving, homeless, barely scraping by... and becoming stronger and learning what I was truly made of... and I would have missed a lot of friends made in those years... but I'd trade them all... it's cruel to say... none of them are calling me right now... they were there at the time, but he is forever.  What a fool I am.

Picture?  Something you might find on my Pinterest "For the Home" board...

a downgrade from me... most def

I've got too much to say... the crying returned.  I will accept no cheap imitations, but apparently others will.  What is horrible is that my town isn't mine anymore... instead it's bliss for someone else.  Again, the title of this blog rings in my ear... Indeed, life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.  The only plan I have involves the ending months of 2013 and hopefully does not involve that awesome FL law.  I looked up the exact law, since, of course I've heard it threatened before, and found lots of things, but most relevant:  "The nickname of the legislation has led to the term "Baker Act" as a transitive verb and "Baker Acted" as a passive-voice verb, for invoking the Act to force an individual's commitment. Although the Baker Act is a statute only for the state of Florida, use of "Baker Acting" as a verb has become prevalent as a slang term for involuntary commitment in other regions of the United States."  Yeah, viewed as a threat to you or others.

All I have is time...

...and my overworking mind.

 "You should never marry for reasons other than true and undying love."  Someone needs to be told that.  And soon.

get back

I seem to be using Instagram a lot.  But I take the oddest pictures.  The latest one was of a Publix doughnut with a bunny ring in the center, but the picture, itself, was off-centered.  I guess Instagram makes everyone think they're an artist, including me.  Although, once upon a time, I was a pretty good one.

When the October dam burst, I tried to sign off of all social media... I've gotten back on to most, but my Twitter account has disappeared.  This is a bummer, as I had some great things to say and had saved some great tweets from others.  But, I recognize that it's a sight where we follow celebrities and we're all twits, trying to update people on our thoughts and food choices every 20 minutes.  I suppose I have no use for it, so it wasn't that much of a loss.  I'm just sure that I'd saved some good John Cleese tweets to the twats on Twitter.

It's Easter tomorrow.  No holidays feel like holidays anymore.  I need the changing of the seasons and my family.  Perhaps it's just part of growing up, but all I do is work and I don't even have a groundhog to look at out the window... 

I hope to see my "home among the hills" in the coming month... On the 26th, I'll be Jesus's mortal age.  I think of this as tomorrow is Easter and I'm not in a one-room church by a river at Hall... but, this year, neither is Uncle Ed.  RIP.  I need to get back to where I once belonged.

january 1, 2013

i guess you learned to walk after i'd already learned to run.