I'm in a funk and I have a friend who only talks to me when he gets drunk.

Yep, that's me.  Rhymin' and stealin' with the old school flava.  I am a big ball of stress.  Life goes on and it's hard to do it on your own.  My parents don't get that b/c they were never alone... although happy that they're celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary at the end of this month.  It's hard to do all the chores of your home, to make sure your bills are paid, to make sure you have food to eat, to make sure that things get fixed when they break.  I'm so tired of this life.  I pin wonderful ideas on Pinterest of awesome things I want to do to my home... but that's just it... I don't have a home.  I rent... and I received the inevitable letter that my rent would be increasing since I've been here almost a year.  I pin things and then I found her... and him.  And I was clued in to the fact that they are cohabiting.  My heart was broken even more... and then I became very annoyed, as most of the pins she'd pinned onto her house/home board were that which I'd already pinned.  Yet more proof that she is a cheap imitation of me... but I was so annoyed with the "I love Fiesta Ware" comment... it's "Fiestaware," bitch.  But, I didn't have a lot of other boards, as she did, like style and makeup and hairstyles.  That's not me.  Fake eyelashes?  haha... I don't need them.   

How does someone else get the life you wanted and thought you deserved?  I wanted a house in WV... I wanted to move back to Morgantown-- it's my town.  I was visiting that town before you had moved out of your states!  I belong there teaching!  How did my dreams not come true?  I've prayed every night for over 2 decades (I've missed a few nights) for my family and never asked for anything-- only not to have my pain and the past few years for one other thing.  I have to believe in God because of the greatness I've witnessed in this world, but I must wonder, as I see all these learned people laughing about His non-existance and how believers are idiots.  I've always been ahead of the curve...

I've been right about a lot of things (maybe not the Mayans)... I'm always right when it comes to Daniel.  King of Hindsight, lover of my ass, pushed into a loveless "there won't be a second date" marriage, feeling the panic/ pain when he does-- the souls connecting.  But, the house?  With him?  What good is Pinterest if you don't have a great old house in WV to be crafty with or a classroom to use these great teaching techniques/ideas with?  What good is it to dream if you can't do it?  I don't know where I went wrong and I keep coming back to the title of this blog... it's the one thing I think of... "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans."  John was, indeed, right.

Life is difficult when you have no one to share it with... it's difficult mentally not to be able to vent. It's difficult to remember and tackle maintenance/ finances on your own.  It's difficult to make long-term decisions and not want to face the possible fact that you might be trapped in the city you life in merely because you cannot move back to YOUR home among the hills because some poser has made a life with the one you love.

And it's difficult to make friends the older you get.  Everyone has kids and/or husbands/wives.  Or, they only talk to you on the weekends when they're drunk... or not talking to their other friends.  Oh, whoops, just venting about the closest thing I had to a best friend down here.  Sigh.  I want to go back home.  I was there a week ago... and I want to move back to Morgantown (4 years ago-- before he did... then we would have gotten along swimmingly).  I would've missed out on being unemployed, carless, starving, homeless, barely scraping by... and becoming stronger and learning what I was truly made of... and I would have missed a lot of friends made in those years... but I'd trade them all... it's cruel to say... none of them are calling me right now... they were there at the time, but he is forever.  What a fool I am.

Picture?  Something you might find on my Pinterest "For the Home" board...