First Geppetto, now Dana... I know deaths come in 3's... but, I'm thinking specifically along the lines of this type of death. Sam put me in my place today, telling me that as long as I had someone who cared for me, that it was not an option... or he said stop talking shit and do something-- either go do it or go get Daniel back. The latter, I fear, may not happen. So, maybe the latter will cause the former. I don't know.
I just am postponing going to bed as much as possible, b/c I'm sick of the dreams. This morning I woke up at 7 am with snot on my face (the clear, cry-y kind) and tears streaming down my face. At least now I don't have a roommate to hear my screams. The dreams are so real. And, after being so rattled about it, I hopped on facebook just to calm myself, only to find that Dana was gone. After a call to Debbie, I found out how. I suppose no one will know why. My why is plain as day. I am a miserable wretch without the sunshine of my life. I fear that the only way I'll see him is in these dreams, and most of them take place in Buckhannon and usually have rejection written all over them... sometimes not. I'm broken-hearted. I wish some of this giant hole would start to repair, but it just won't.
I posted that I loved her and would see her soon. Jayme didn't like that, so it was edited. I sounded suicidal, I suppose. I do still believe in Dec 2012, though. A waiter at a bar tonight noted that he celebrated death and mourned birth after I explained why I wasn't drinking. He was happy about where he was going. How are some people so sure? I feel like I'm "ye of little faith" right now and I don't like that at all.
Tonight at dinner, Jayme was telling Jenn what type of guy to hook her up with. They get to me and I don't want one. Pathetic, I suppose, but I've known something next to perfection and don't want anyone but him. I feel like I'm not moving forward... I feel like it's just getting worse. For him, I know it's out of sight, out of mind, but for me, I'm dying a slow death. I fear that I am going to die of a broken heart. I am fearing that I might be the third.
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
lyrics, cd 2, track 4
And, although I can't wait to hear Anne Hathaway sing it in the upcoming motion picture, I put a different version on the 2nd (less-important) CD. I'm feeling it right now (it's going through my head and I'm in that vibe), so this is what's being posted at midnight... and, as a disclaimer, I know that my life is not horrible, I am blessed. But, I am allowed to feel that I'm living in my own personal hell. So, let me just put that out there. Then again, that's also one of my problems... not letting myself have my moment to grieve or always caring for everyone but myself... and beating myself up about things... or that's what Dr. Tate was saying... and 'tis true. But, just as sat on my couch and discussed life timelines with Nina on Saturday, I am again thinking of the dreams that I once had... and I know exactly where to look if I wanted to find my timeline of what was to be and the year/ age at which it was to occur... I wish dreams did come true. From Les Miserables:
I dreamed a dream in time gone by,
When hope was high and life, worth living.
I dreamed that love would never die,
I dreamed that God would be forgiving.
Then I was young and unafraid,
And dreams were made and used and wasted.
There was no ransom to be paid,
No song unsung, no wine, untasted.
But the tigers come at night,
With their voices soft as thunder,
As they tear your hope apart,
And they turn your dream to shame.
He slept a summer by my side,
He filled my days with endless wonder...
He took my childhood in his stride,
But he was gone when autumn came!
And still I dream he'll come to me,
That we will live the years together,
But there are dreams that cannot be,
And there are storms we cannot weather!
I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living,
So different now from what it seemed...
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed...
~on this version, the lyrics in blue are omitted and I suppose I bolded the lyrics I truly am feeling at this moment-- which is rather hilarious, as I think of my conversation with Jayme and her asking for my letter's 'purpose,' to which we mused him coming to me... as it even says in the song... but how many scenarios I've had, even when we were together, of him coming to my door- with or without flowers, rings, etc.- and rescuing me from my life.~
There was a time when men were kind,
And their voices were soft,
And their words inviting.
There was a time when love was blind,
And the world was a song,
And the song was exciting.
There was a time when it all went wrong...
And their voices were soft,
And their words inviting.
There was a time when love was blind,
And the world was a song,
And the song was exciting.
There was a time when it all went wrong...
I dreamed a dream in time gone by,
When hope was high and life, worth living.
I dreamed that love would never die,
I dreamed that God would be forgiving.
Then I was young and unafraid,
And dreams were made and used and wasted.
There was no ransom to be paid,
No song unsung, no wine, untasted.
But the tigers come at night,
With their voices soft as thunder,
As they tear your hope apart,
And they turn your dream to shame.
He slept a summer by my side,
He filled my days with endless wonder...
He took my childhood in his stride,
But he was gone when autumn came!
And still I dream he'll come to me,
That we will live the years together,
But there are dreams that cannot be,
And there are storms we cannot weather!
I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living,
So different now from what it seemed...
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed...
Monday, September 10, 2012
50 Shades
I haven't dyed my hair in awhile. Today I glanced in the mirror and saw more grey on my head than I ever have before. Usually they come in on the sides, where the baby hair is, but today I saw them in my part down the middle of my head. Perhaps it gives one character... I don't know about that. I'm seeing my youth slip away and it's difficult when I feel so immature, like I've seen and done nothing (especially talking to Charlie at work at times... the dude's seen and done it all and has friends all over the world).
Still wondering what actually brings them on... stress, I'm sure. Although grandma was white-headed since 16 (but due to Scarlett Fever)... and I'm really not that old, am I? I'll go back to stress. That's why bleeding and other health issues occur. Sigh. I'm falling apart when I was never really put together in the first place.
Daniel found my first grey hair. We were in bed and he plucked it from the front of my head. I was 26 and teaching my first year at PHE. Needless to say, I have many more now. I would give anything... everything... whatever... just to go back to that one day.
Still wondering what actually brings them on... stress, I'm sure. Although grandma was white-headed since 16 (but due to Scarlett Fever)... and I'm really not that old, am I? I'll go back to stress. That's why bleeding and other health issues occur. Sigh. I'm falling apart when I was never really put together in the first place.
Daniel found my first grey hair. We were in bed and he plucked it from the front of my head. I was 26 and teaching my first year at PHE. Needless to say, I have many more now. I would give anything... everything... whatever... just to go back to that one day.
Friday, September 7, 2012
Weekly Therapy
Jayme was getting her hair did this evening at the salon less than a mile from me. So, she wanted to come and see the place. I was apprehensive as (and she will admit) she's opinionated and not afraid to voice it. I was also scared of the potential judgement that Chrissy and Allison had once passed on my childish decor. Yes, apparently I live in the past with pictures and college-style furniture, etc. but the visit was good. We talked... I cried... She'd had her first therapy session tonight and was very positive about the whole thing. Part of the night was spent with her discussing my need for therapy. We'll see. She'd emailed Keith a 5-page WRITTEN (but less when typed) letter and she read it to me. Didn't compare to my novel of a 5-page TYPED letter. She asked if I wanted to read mine to her. She was polite and kind in her critique of it... and of me.
I'm glad to have her near. I think about a decade ago when we spent so much time together during the summer of 2002. I'm glad that we did and I'm certainly glad to have a caring friend. With her social work degree, she's good at analyzing things and very resolute and proactive in her feelings and actions towards her own life. She posted on fb recently, wondering what had happened to the strong woman she used to be... well, if she's not strong, what the hell am I? Sheesh.
Needless to say, I had a few tissues soaked by the end of our visit. Nothing new, since I cry every night, but it was nice to actually have someone to talk to who may not understand exactly WHY I am sad, but who cares enough to try to make me happy again.
I'm blessed in so many ways... friends, knowing love, health... and with friends like this. I only wish she got her hair done more often. (Maybe it would motivate me to get rid of the rest of my boxes of clothes, so I don't look like I belong on an episode of Hoarders).
So much more to say, but as midnight approaches (and I thought I would get to bed early tonight... ha!) I should probably stop now...
She is correct about one thing... knowing my intention when writing... what WAS my intention in sending that letter? Do I want a phone call? A knock on my door with a bouquet of flowers? Nothing? Well... he doesn't know I've moved, first of all, and is engaged for all I know. Bloody hell. Hmm... I never asked her what HER intention was when sending Keith her letter... saying goodbye? Coming back to her? Oh well. We discussed our thoughts on failing society and ourselves as we aren't married with families... so much to that can of worms that I shouldn't even open it... but, things are definitely not playing out as we had planned... and while she lives in the present and embraces things, I live in the past and what if's... I should definitely try to have more of her positive outlook... and I'm trying.. the other day I saw myself in the mirror and realized that I am really pretty... but, I have hereditary forces working against me... not that it's an excuse, but I'm trying and I'm still alive. Sigh. I shouldn't be posting this shit, as my old shrink would say: never write anything down b/c it can be used against you (apparently a murder was made to look like a suicide b/c of what the person had written) but I don't agree... I have to let it out and some things are being let out on the Internet... to who? I don't even know... maybe just me right now. Oh well... it's therapeutic. But, it's also got to stop for tonight. I must get some sleep.
But, in all my sadness, I keep hope. I also pray for Uncle Ed, as his cancer has taken over and he does not have much time left. I would like to be in WV badly right now. I would like to see his smile again. I pray he isn't hurting much, but I know that he is. Life is a funny thing... one day you're fine, then the next, you're shaving your head b/c of chemo. :(
I'm glad to have her near. I think about a decade ago when we spent so much time together during the summer of 2002. I'm glad that we did and I'm certainly glad to have a caring friend. With her social work degree, she's good at analyzing things and very resolute and proactive in her feelings and actions towards her own life. She posted on fb recently, wondering what had happened to the strong woman she used to be... well, if she's not strong, what the hell am I? Sheesh.
Needless to say, I had a few tissues soaked by the end of our visit. Nothing new, since I cry every night, but it was nice to actually have someone to talk to who may not understand exactly WHY I am sad, but who cares enough to try to make me happy again.
I'm blessed in so many ways... friends, knowing love, health... and with friends like this. I only wish she got her hair done more often. (Maybe it would motivate me to get rid of the rest of my boxes of clothes, so I don't look like I belong on an episode of Hoarders).
So much more to say, but as midnight approaches (and I thought I would get to bed early tonight... ha!) I should probably stop now...
She is correct about one thing... knowing my intention when writing... what WAS my intention in sending that letter? Do I want a phone call? A knock on my door with a bouquet of flowers? Nothing? Well... he doesn't know I've moved, first of all, and is engaged for all I know. Bloody hell. Hmm... I never asked her what HER intention was when sending Keith her letter... saying goodbye? Coming back to her? Oh well. We discussed our thoughts on failing society and ourselves as we aren't married with families... so much to that can of worms that I shouldn't even open it... but, things are definitely not playing out as we had planned... and while she lives in the present and embraces things, I live in the past and what if's... I should definitely try to have more of her positive outlook... and I'm trying.. the other day I saw myself in the mirror and realized that I am really pretty... but, I have hereditary forces working against me... not that it's an excuse, but I'm trying and I'm still alive. Sigh. I shouldn't be posting this shit, as my old shrink would say: never write anything down b/c it can be used against you (apparently a murder was made to look like a suicide b/c of what the person had written) but I don't agree... I have to let it out and some things are being let out on the Internet... to who? I don't even know... maybe just me right now. Oh well... it's therapeutic. But, it's also got to stop for tonight. I must get some sleep.
But, in all my sadness, I keep hope. I also pray for Uncle Ed, as his cancer has taken over and he does not have much time left. I would like to be in WV badly right now. I would like to see his smile again. I pray he isn't hurting much, but I know that he is. Life is a funny thing... one day you're fine, then the next, you're shaving your head b/c of chemo. :(
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
En Route to Him
Too bad our office has it's own little post office... Jazmine merely ran an envelope through a printer and it was off... 2 cds, a quote collage, and a 5-page typed letter. No more procrastinating... months of writing and fearing to send it. Too late now, but on the envelope (in tiny chicken-scratch, I DID write 'goodbye. send my love to your sister'). Oh well... doesn't matter... too late now... kinda like the theme of my life. haha If only I'd realized this sooner... it just would've been 2 months sooner (but, it wouldn't have the urgency and the quiet fear that I possess over my biopsy, etc. and all that my life now means because of it).
I didn't send the stuffed Swedish Chef with it. I should've so I won't have to look at it. But, hey, maybe I should just get rid of everything I own except sorority, WDWCP, and WVU shirts and stuff, b/c that's prettymuch all that existed in my life before him... I glance around the room and I'd have to get rid of almost everything in my life... oh, eight and a half years... all I hope is that he listens to the first cd.
And speaking of the Swedish Chef, I was forced to laugh out loud while posting about Family Guy's "wrong-sounding Muppets," in which Michael Clarke Duncan comes in at the end as Fozzie Bear saying, "Wocka wocka, who wants to hear a funny-ass joke?” RIP Michael Clarke Duncan (9.3.12)
Okay... I had to post it again... it's too funny not to.
I didn't send the stuffed Swedish Chef with it. I should've so I won't have to look at it. But, hey, maybe I should just get rid of everything I own except sorority, WDWCP, and WVU shirts and stuff, b/c that's prettymuch all that existed in my life before him... I glance around the room and I'd have to get rid of almost everything in my life... oh, eight and a half years... all I hope is that he listens to the first cd.
And speaking of the Swedish Chef, I was forced to laugh out loud while posting about Family Guy's "wrong-sounding Muppets," in which Michael Clarke Duncan comes in at the end as Fozzie Bear saying, "Wocka wocka, who wants to hear a funny-ass joke?” RIP Michael Clarke Duncan (9.3.12)
Okay... I had to post it again... it's too funny not to.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you?
Yeah, it's been a week. I think I'm going to mail it tomorrow, so I'm going to be uuuuuber un-original and just post lyrics for awhile. Not sure that anyone is reading this, anyhow. I DID type the title of this blog into the yahoo search engine. I didn't find myself, but I did find lots of theories about Lennon being right about the non-existence of Heaven. Didn't want to read on. Don't like to think things like that. That gives me no hope... I'm not sure what start to start with... maybe I'll just run down the track list on CD 1. Hmm...
This is the first day of my life
Swear I was born right in the doorway
I went out in the rain, suddenly everything changed
They're spreading blankets on the beach
Yours was the first face that I saw
I think I was blind before I met you
I don't know where I am, I don't know where I've been
But I know where I want to go
So I thought I'd let you know
That these things take forever, I especially am slow
But I realized how I need you
And I wondered if I could come home
I remember the time you drove all night
Just to meet me in the morning
And I thought it was strange, you said everything changed
You felt as if you just woke up
And you said
"This is the first day of my life
Glad I didn't die before I met you
Now I don't care, I could go anywhere with you
And I'd probably be happy"
So if you want to be with me
With these things there's no telling
We'll just have to wait and see
But I'd rather be working for a paycheck
Than waiting to win the lottery
Besides, maybe this time is different
I mean, I really think you like me
But, the brilliance of the song is also in the delivery. With the acoustic guitar paired with a sweet, shy voice... it's just so sad sometimes... so lovely... quite the choice for the first track. So, if he were to listen, this would be the initial thing he would hear. The first song explains it all... he changed my life. We underwent many trials and tribulations that inevitably ended our time together. My outlook has changed and it's nothing but a warm memory so I can only be nostalgic. And, as far as the paycheck reference... I'm not really doing that at all... I should be taking initiative instead of waiting around for something that won't happen. So, I'm just waiting to win the lottery... I should be working on getting him back... oh well. But, what a lottery that would be to win!!! = /
This is the first day of my life
Swear I was born right in the doorway
I went out in the rain, suddenly everything changed
They're spreading blankets on the beach
Yours was the first face that I saw
I think I was blind before I met you
I don't know where I am, I don't know where I've been
But I know where I want to go
So I thought I'd let you know
That these things take forever, I especially am slow
But I realized how I need you
And I wondered if I could come home
I remember the time you drove all night
Just to meet me in the morning
And I thought it was strange, you said everything changed
You felt as if you just woke up
And you said
"This is the first day of my life
Glad I didn't die before I met you
Now I don't care, I could go anywhere with you
And I'd probably be happy"
So if you want to be with me
With these things there's no telling
We'll just have to wait and see
But I'd rather be working for a paycheck
Than waiting to win the lottery
Besides, maybe this time is different
I mean, I really think you like me
But, the brilliance of the song is also in the delivery. With the acoustic guitar paired with a sweet, shy voice... it's just so sad sometimes... so lovely... quite the choice for the first track. So, if he were to listen, this would be the initial thing he would hear. The first song explains it all... he changed my life. We underwent many trials and tribulations that inevitably ended our time together. My outlook has changed and it's nothing but a warm memory so I can only be nostalgic. And, as far as the paycheck reference... I'm not really doing that at all... I should be taking initiative instead of waiting around for something that won't happen. So, I'm just waiting to win the lottery... I should be working on getting him back... oh well. But, what a lottery that would be to win!!! = /
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