Jayme was getting her hair did this evening at the salon less than a mile from me. So, she wanted to come and see the place. I was apprehensive as (and she will admit) she's opinionated and not afraid to voice it. I was also scared of the potential judgement that Chrissy and Allison had once passed on my childish decor. Yes, apparently I live in the past with pictures and college-style furniture, etc. but the visit was good. We talked... I cried... She'd had her first therapy session tonight and was very positive about the whole thing. Part of the night was spent with her discussing my need for therapy. We'll see. She'd emailed Keith a 5-page WRITTEN (but less when typed) letter and she read it to me. Didn't compare to my novel of a 5-page TYPED letter. She asked if I wanted to read mine to her. She was polite and kind in her critique of it... and of me.
I'm glad to have her near. I think about a decade ago when we spent so much time together during the summer of 2002. I'm glad that we did and I'm certainly glad to have a caring friend. With her social work degree, she's good at analyzing things and very resolute and proactive in her feelings and actions towards her own life. She posted on fb recently, wondering what had happened to the strong woman she used to be... well, if she's not strong, what the hell am I? Sheesh.
Needless to say, I had a few tissues soaked by the end of our visit. Nothing new, since I cry every night, but it was nice to actually have someone to talk to who may not understand exactly WHY I am sad, but who cares enough to try to make me happy again.
I'm blessed in so many ways... friends, knowing love, health... and with friends like this. I only wish she got her hair done more often. (Maybe it would motivate me to get rid of the rest of my boxes of clothes, so I don't look like I belong on an episode of Hoarders).
So much more to say, but as midnight approaches (and I thought I would get to bed early tonight... ha!) I should probably stop now...
She is correct about one thing... knowing my intention when writing... what WAS my intention in sending that letter? Do I want a phone call? A knock on my door with a bouquet of flowers? Nothing? Well... he doesn't know I've moved, first of all, and is engaged for all I know. Bloody hell. Hmm... I never asked her what HER intention was when sending Keith her letter... saying goodbye? Coming back to her? Oh well. We discussed our thoughts on failing society and ourselves as we aren't married with families... so much to that can of worms that I shouldn't even open it... but, things are definitely not playing out as we had planned... and while she lives in the present and embraces things, I live in the past and what if's... I should definitely try to have more of her positive outlook... and I'm trying.. the other day I saw myself in the mirror and realized that I am really pretty... but, I have hereditary forces working against me... not that it's an excuse, but I'm trying and I'm still alive. Sigh. I shouldn't be posting this shit, as my old shrink would say: never write anything down b/c it can be used against you (apparently a murder was made to look like a suicide b/c of what the person had written) but I don't agree... I have to let it out and some things are being let out on the Internet... to who? I don't even know... maybe just me right now. Oh well... it's therapeutic. But, it's also got to stop for tonight. I must get some sleep.
But, in all my sadness, I keep hope. I also pray for Uncle Ed, as his cancer has taken over and he does not have much time left. I would like to be in WV badly right now. I would like to see his smile again. I pray he isn't hurting much, but I know that he is. Life is a funny thing... one day you're fine, then the next, you're shaving your head b/c of chemo. :(
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