Christmas carol overload... with a mix of Pandora

So, I had this difficulty this year, trying to decide whether or not to put up my tree—it’s 10-years-old.  The first year I got it (and every year that it was put up was with HIM).  My Dad, Bless his heart, was willing to buy me a new tree—anything to lessen the hurt that I’m feeling.  But, I decided to put it up right after Halloween… it ended up being a little after that, but it was still up WAY before Thanksgiving.  It’s the only way that I could’ve done it… and it took baby steps… for awhile, it was just lights, then the ornaments finally went up.  And (pending the end of the world not coming Friday) it will stay up for a long time—perhaps as long as Valentine’s Day (as Tara’s stayed up many moons ago to get her through the end of Tyler.

I wake up to a random radio station:  Sunny 107.9… I don’t think much of it… I just know that they occasionally play Prince and it’s the first one that I turned to when I moved down here.  Anyhow, shortly after the tree went up, I woke up a random Wednesday morning in November (pretty early November) and they were playing Christmas songs.  So… seeing as it’s December 19, I’ve been listening to this in my car to and from work… and keeping tally of every time I hear “Wonderful Christmas Time” by Paul McCartney (which, as of today is only 32 times—which is surprising… V100 at home plays it every other song).  I’m also keeping track of “Mary, Did You Know?” which drives me nuts and reminds me of wannabe singers on Cross Lanes Christmas Eve.  lol  So… I had the Christmas carols going at work via Pandora (hell, I’ve had them going since I started in July) but I had to stop recently last week because of a little burn-out… so, it’s been “NIN radio.”  A little opposite of Christmas, I know, but what can you do?  I was in the mood.

I'll get to the NIN station in a second, but first, the things I have learned by listening to soooo many Christmas carols (I know I'll paste this on fb, too, b/c I feel it's just too funny-- well, maybe just to me).   What seems to have gotten to me are the following points:

-The Beach Boys may have the best Christmas line ever written.  Their lyrical genius is beyond me.  To be found on “Little St. Nick,” the lyric “Christmas comes this time each year” is said about 5 times.  Wow.  Mind-blowing.

-A lot of Christmas carols sound like bad karaoke to beloved hymns.

-“Baby It’s Cold Outside,” seems to condone rape… something’s not quite right with this favorite of mine.

-The newer artists are trying to sound like the crooners of days gone by (Madonna is not Eartha Kitt)

-I’m pretty sure The Carpenters just put out Christmas Albums (or released every song on that lone one).  Every two seconds, my radio station plays them.  You can’t escape them.  And, I’m desperately trying.  My Dad has gotten tired of me getting tired of them and calling him every time they are on.

-So many artists just flat-out can’t sing but have albums of the stuff.  You don’t realize this until they try to sing something tried and true.  I guess this was before auto-tune, so I guess they have an excuse?  Now anyone can sing!

-David Bowie and Bing Crosby are still pure genius and still bring tears to my eyes every time (hoping that’s not because I’m thinking of Daniel…)

-Burl Ives (and Andy Williams, for that matter) can do no wrong.

-Dean Martin is creepy.  Period.  (update 12/27/12:  I heard him do "Marshmallow World" and it was okay... then he slurred on a word or two.  I suppose he was drunk.  Ruined one of my favorites)

In my new choice of music during work I’ve been getting a lot of NIN (duh), Muse, Tool, Deftones, Stabbing Westward, and Foo Fighters.  Lots of things have struck me… a lot of “get over it/ fuck you” stuff that I feel like posting… today is no different.  I feel that I need to post Stand Inside Your Love by the Smashing Pumpkins.  I’d really been wanting to write for quite awhile… it’s just been a sad road lately.  I remember the promise he made that we would spend the 20^th/21^st together, whether he was dating anyone or not… that’s not happening.  I also made the vow that I would be with my family in West Virginia on those dates… looks like that’s not happening, either.  I had a long talk with Jayme Saturday night and she had an “aha! moment” when I confessed how scared of death and dying (and what’s next) I am.  So, here we are… it’s Wednesday and I might not see Saturday.  I’m also not going to see the ones I love most before that.  I really don’t want to speak ill of him, as the thing I’m most scared of is not being with him in Heaven, but today this song just told me it needed its lyrics posted.

As I was about to look for the aforementioned lyrics, a creepy and very interesting (lyrically) song came on… decided to go with Stabbing Westward’s “What Do I Have to Do?”  The last line is me.  =(  So, here’s my last-minute change:

You make it hard to breathe, it's as if I'm suffocating
And when you're next to me I can feel your heartbeat through my skin
It makes me sad to think this could all be for nothing
I wish there was a way, a way for you to see inside me
I've never felt this way about anyone or anything, tell me

What do I have to do to make you happy?
What do I have to do to make you understand?
What do I have to do to make you want me?
But if I can't make you want me, what do I have to do?

I know exactly what you're thinking
But I swear this time I will not let you down
I'm not as selfish as I used to be
That was a part of me that never made me proud
Right now I think I would try anything
Anything at all to keep you satisfied

God, I hope you see
What losing you would do to me
All I want is one more chance, tell me

What do I have to do to make you happy?
What do I have to do to make you understand?
What do I have to do to make you want me?
But if I can't make you want me, just tell me, tell me

Can I, how can I, how can we?

What do I have to do to make you want me?
What do I have to do to make you understand?
What do I have to do to make you love me?
But if I can't make you love me, just tell me
What do I have to do to forget about you?

And then Incubus comes on with “Just a Phase” and I feel like that’s speaking to me.  Then “something i can never have” (my themesong right now).  I guess that’s the thing with the radio, even if it’s Pandora:  everything seems to mirror your mood/feelings.  Ahh well, time to stop it with this blog.  Maybe I’ll switch to another station… or maybe I should turn off the radio… well, doubt I’ll be doing that, especially with my co-worker humming and singing off-key, high-pitched praise songs.  Oy vey.  lol

so over these nightmares

I have nightmares.  I wake up screaming and/or crying.  I have for almost 2 years now.  Guess who they're about?  Last night, I went to find his house and he was engaged and showed me a bottle of something, telling me that she'd cheated on him and he might be infected and die now.  She came home and I started throwing glass/ dishes at her.  I don't know why I keep dreaming about him.  I know that we're somehow connected, like when I dreamt about his heart problems, but I can't contact him now.  I am left bewildered, upset, and quite shaken.  I just remember a few months back, he chose me in the dreams for a few weeks... I'll bet that was when he'd gotten engaged.  But, just when I'm thinking I'm okay... boom.  Here's more dreams that are so real... my heart gets broken all over again.  I just can't deal with this anymore.  I'm living in hell and will not have my happily ever after.  I am in misery, even with others wooing me.  I believe the world will end on Dec 20... for me, at least.  I've had enough.  My chest hurts so badly.  So, I'm trying to decipher my dreams online (the only resources I have at the moment) and I've found a few things.  Here is one from tonight's ponderings...

I had a whole thing about what one website said, but I think they reported it... I'd think they'd want the traffic... if this post gets reported again, I'll just put it back up and assume that someone else doesn't like this post...

ten

a great album by pearl jam, but also the number of years it was last friday.

i know him very well.  i know how he thinks.  he's freaking out because of his age, marriages and now divorces all around.  time to marry whatever comes along... so, let's find something on the internet.  so not his style.

i should've done this or that.  he told me he should've done this or that.  i really should've moved up there a year ago-- to think, if so, he never would've met her.  and we'd been talking.  he even said things to the note of "if we were to ever try again..."  oh well.  hindsight. 

but, i want him to be happy.  that is true love.  the thing that bothers me the most is that we might not be together in heaven.  doesn't that sound silly?  i know i'm blessed because he was my life from 22 to 30.

i'm hanging in there, but sometimes i feel like my soul is dead.

I'll be around... or being home again

There are so many great lyrics that express what I'm feeling... from loss to moving on to sweet Jesus, get a clue and come back to me!  I intended to post The Spinner's "I'll Be Around" but as I'm typing, I have other things in mind now.  It's been a tough week, as I mourn Carrie, dream of HIM, and just keep chugging along.  Some days are better than others, of course.  Perhaps I should rejoice in the fact that I might be seeing the new Fantasyland in a private tour soon.  Oh well.  I'm so bipolar over this... happy that he could be happy, but knowing that he's settling... if not missing me, missing that AZ girl.  I just want him to be happy.  That's what real love is, right?  But then I'm aching b/c I miss him and end up having quite interesting/naughty dreams about him.  Subconcious... who knows why you make me dream what I dream (well, someone knows, but I won't go into all that at the moment). 

I wonder about his sister and pray that she has a large supply of tissues (I carried a box in my car for a year and a half), a shoulder to lean on, and things to keep her mind off of it all-- not likely, as her life has been about her husband.  I look at everything I've amassed in the past decade... not easy to just "forget" someone and move on.  I know she's in good hands.  I miss Bill terribly.  I'm not sure that Linda ever really liked me, so she's probably happy that I'm gone.  But Bill... what a guy.  And what sucks is that with D's normalcy and wonderful nature, I know that's how he'd turn out.  I know that he was raised well.  Not like anyone else I've met.  I miss his family.  I continue to pray for them.  I don't know why.  I suppose out of love for them and him.

So, today's lyrical selection (and there were so many to choose from and I feel like I should save this for Thanksgiving) will be from CD II... Josh Groban's "My Heart Was Home Again"... I've come to realize what D really is for me, so this is appropriate I suppose.

So it goes, history shows
Deserts must expand
And camels sail like wooden ships
Like women on the strand

There's sand on Second Avenue
And the wind blows like a train
Taxis light up like a string of pearls
Around the block again

And I remembered everything
And every windowpane
Every word came back to me
The way it used to be

Then I saw your face across the street
And my heart was home again

There's a bus that leaves at eight fifteen
And another one at ten
Should I climb aboard, risk everything
And ride it to the end

Watch the hills like roller coasters
Up against the sky
And wish that you were here by me
So close that I could die

You said love wrecks everything
And none of us survive
So I got over you last night
And I am still alive

Then I saw your face across the street
And my heart was home again

And I remembered everything
And every windowpane
Every word came back to me
The way it used to be

Then I saw your face across the street
And my heart was home again.



I want to go home... Daniel is my home... wherever he may be.

It comes in 3's

First Geppetto, now Dana... I know deaths come in 3's... but, I'm thinking specifically along the lines of this type of death.  Sam put me in my place today, telling me that as long as I had someone who cared for me, that it was not an option... or he said stop talking shit and do something-- either go do it or go get Daniel back.  The latter, I fear, may not happen.  So, maybe the latter will cause the former.  I don't know.

I just am postponing going to bed as much as possible, b/c I'm sick of the dreams.  This morning I woke up at 7 am with snot on my face (the clear, cry-y kind) and tears streaming down my face.  At least now I don't have a roommate to hear my screams.  The dreams are so real.  And, after being so rattled about it, I hopped on facebook just to calm myself, only to find that Dana was gone. After a call to Debbie, I found out how.  I suppose no one will know why.  My why is plain as day.  I am a miserable wretch without the sunshine of my life.  I fear that the only way I'll see him is in these dreams, and most of them take place in Buckhannon and usually have rejection written all over them... sometimes not.  I'm broken-hearted.  I wish some of this giant hole would start to repair, but it just won't.

I posted that I loved her and would see her soon.  Jayme didn't like that, so it was edited.  I sounded suicidal, I suppose. I do still believe in Dec 2012, though.  A waiter at a bar tonight noted that he celebrated death and mourned birth after I explained why I wasn't drinking.  He was happy about where he was going.  How are some people so sure?  I feel like I'm "ye of little faith" right now and I don't like that at all.

Tonight at dinner, Jayme was telling Jenn what type of guy to hook her up with.  They get to me and I don't want one.  Pathetic, I suppose, but I've known something next to perfection and don't want anyone but him.  I feel like I'm not moving forward... I feel like it's just getting worse.  For him, I know it's out of sight, out of mind, but for me, I'm dying a slow death.  I fear that I am going to die of a broken heart.  I am fearing that I might be the third.

lyrics, cd 2, track 4

And, although I can't wait to hear Anne Hathaway sing it in the upcoming motion picture, I put a different version on the 2nd (less-important) CD.  I'm feeling it right now (it's going through my head and I'm in that vibe), so this is what's being posted at midnight... and, as a disclaimer, I know that my life is not horrible, I am blessed.  But, I am allowed to feel that I'm living in my own personal hell.  So, let me just put that out there.  Then again, that's also one of my problems... not letting myself have my moment to grieve or always caring for everyone but myself... and beating myself up about things... or that's what Dr. Tate was saying... and 'tis true.  But, just as sat on my couch and discussed life timelines with Nina on Saturday, I am again thinking of the dreams that I once had... and I know exactly where to look if I wanted to find my timeline of what was to be and the year/ age at which it was to occur... I wish dreams did come true.  From Les Miserables:

~on this version, the lyrics in blue are omitted and I suppose I bolded the lyrics I truly am feeling at this moment-- which is rather hilarious, as I think of my conversation with Jayme and her asking for my letter's 'purpose,' to which we mused him coming to me... as it even says in the song... but how many scenarios I've had, even when we were together, of him coming to my door- with or without flowers, rings, etc.- and rescuing me from my life.~

There was a time when men were kind,
And their voices were soft,
And their words inviting.
There was a time when love was blind,
And the world was a song,
And the song was exciting.
There was a time when it all went wrong...

I dreamed a dream in time gone by,
When hope was high and life, worth living.
I dreamed that love would never die,
I dreamed that God would be forgiving.
Then I was young and unafraid,
And dreams were made and used and wasted.
There was no ransom to be paid,
No song unsung, no wine, untasted.

But the tigers come at night,
With their voices soft as thunder,
As they tear your hope apart,
And they turn your dream to shame.

He slept a summer by my side,
He filled my days with endless wonder...
He took my childhood in his stride,
But he was gone when autumn came!

And still I dream he'll come to me,
That we will live the years together,
But there are dreams that cannot be,
And there are storms we cannot weather!

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living,
So different now from what it seemed...
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed...

50 Shades

I haven't dyed my hair in awhile.  Today I glanced in the mirror and saw more grey on my head than I ever have before.  Usually they come in on the sides, where the baby hair is, but today I saw them in my part down the middle of my head.  Perhaps it gives one character... I don't know about that.  I'm seeing my youth slip away and it's difficult when I feel so immature, like I've seen and done nothing (especially talking to Charlie at work at times... the dude's seen and done it all and has friends all over the world).

Still wondering what actually brings them on... stress, I'm sure.  Although grandma was white-headed since 16 (but due to Scarlett Fever)... and I'm really not that old, am I?  I'll go back to stress.  That's why bleeding and other health issues occur.  Sigh.  I'm falling apart when I was never really put together in the first place.

Daniel found my first grey hair.  We were in bed and he plucked it from the front of my head.  I was 26 and teaching my first year at PHE.  Needless to say, I have many more now.  I would give anything... everything... whatever... just to go back to that one day.

Weekly Therapy

Jayme was getting her hair did this evening at the salon less than a mile from me. So, she wanted to come and see the place. I was apprehensive as (and she will admit) she's opinionated and not afraid to voice it. I was also scared of the potential judgement that Chrissy and Allison had once passed on my childish decor. Yes, apparently I live in the past with pictures and college-style furniture, etc. but the visit was good. We talked... I cried... She'd had her first therapy session tonight and was very positive about the whole thing. Part of the night was spent with her discussing my need for therapy. We'll see. She'd emailed Keith a 5-page WRITTEN (but less when typed) letter and she read it to me. Didn't compare to my novel of a 5-page TYPED letter. She asked if I wanted to read mine to her. She was polite and kind in her critique of it... and of me.

I'm glad to have her near. I think about a decade ago when we spent so much time together during the summer of 2002. I'm glad that we did and I'm certainly glad to have a caring friend. With her social work degree, she's good at analyzing things and very resolute and proactive in her feelings and actions towards her own life. She posted on fb recently, wondering what had happened to the strong woman she used to be... well, if she's not strong, what the hell am I? Sheesh.

Needless to say, I had a few tissues soaked by the end of our visit. Nothing new, since I cry every night, but it was nice to actually have someone to talk to who may not understand exactly WHY I am sad, but who cares enough to try to make me happy again.

I'm blessed in so many ways... friends, knowing love, health... and with friends like this. I only wish she got her hair done more often. (Maybe it would motivate me to get rid of the rest of my boxes of clothes, so I don't look like I belong on an episode of Hoarders).
So much more to say, but as midnight approaches (and I thought I would get to bed early tonight... ha!) I should probably stop now...

She is correct about one thing... knowing my intention when writing... what WAS my intention in sending that letter? Do I want a phone call? A knock on my door with a bouquet of flowers? Nothing? Well... he doesn't know I've moved, first of all, and is engaged for all I know. Bloody hell. Hmm... I never asked her what HER intention was when sending Keith her letter... saying goodbye? Coming back to her? Oh well. We discussed our thoughts on failing society and ourselves as we aren't married with families... so much to that can of worms that I shouldn't even open it... but, things are definitely not playing out as we had planned... and while she lives in the present and embraces things, I live in the past and what if's... I should definitely try to have more of her positive outlook... and I'm trying.. the other day I saw myself in the mirror and realized that I am really pretty... but, I have hereditary forces working against me... not that it's an excuse, but I'm trying and I'm still alive. Sigh. I shouldn't be posting this shit, as my old shrink would say: never write anything down b/c it can be used against you (apparently a murder was made to look like a suicide b/c of what the person had written) but I don't agree... I have to let it out and some things are being let out on the Internet... to who? I don't even know... maybe just me right now. Oh well... it's therapeutic. But, it's also got to stop for tonight. I must get some sleep.

But, in all my sadness, I keep hope. I also pray for Uncle Ed, as his cancer has taken over and he does not have much time left. I would like to be in WV badly right now. I would like to see his smile again. I pray he isn't hurting much, but I know that he is. Life is a funny thing... one day you're fine, then the next, you're shaving your head b/c of chemo. :(

En Route to Him

Too bad our office has it's own little post office... Jazmine merely ran an envelope through a printer and it was off... 2 cds, a quote collage, and a 5-page typed letter.  No more procrastinating... months of writing and fearing to send it.  Too late now, but on the envelope (in tiny chicken-scratch, I DID write 'goodbye. send my love to your sister').  Oh well... doesn't matter... too late now... kinda like the theme of my life.  haha  If only I'd realized this sooner... it just would've been 2 months sooner (but, it wouldn't have the urgency and the quiet fear that I possess over my biopsy, etc. and all that my life now means because of it).

I didn't send the stuffed Swedish Chef with it.  I should've so I won't have to look at it.  But, hey, maybe I should just get rid of everything I own except sorority, WDWCP,  and WVU shirts and stuff, b/c that's prettymuch all that existed in my life before him... I glance around the room and I'd have to get rid of almost everything in my life... oh, eight and a half years... all I hope is that he listens to the first cd.

And speaking of the Swedish Chef, I was forced to laugh out loud while posting about Family Guy's "wrong-sounding Muppets," in which Michael Clarke Duncan comes in at the end as Fozzie Bear saying, "Wocka wocka, who wants to hear a funny-ass joke?”  RIP Michael Clarke Duncan (9.3.12)


Okay... I had to post it again... it's too funny not to.

only the lonely...

So, here's what I need in my life...

 ...or maybe I could just cuddle in a Snuggie

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you?

Yeah, it's been a week.  I think I'm going to mail it tomorrow, so I'm going to be uuuuuber un-original and just post lyrics for awhile.  Not sure that anyone is reading this, anyhow.  I DID type the title of this blog into the yahoo search engine.  I didn't find myself, but I did find lots of theories about Lennon being right about the non-existence of Heaven.  Didn't want to read on.  Don't like to think things like that.  That gives me no hope...  I'm not sure what start to start with... maybe I'll just run down the track list on CD 1.  Hmm...

This is the first day of my life
Swear I was born right in the doorway
I went out in the rain, suddenly everything changed
They're spreading blankets on the beach

Yours was the first face that I saw
I think I was blind before I met you
I don't know where I am, I don't know where I've been
But I know where I want to go

So I thought I'd let you know
That these things take forever, I especially am slow
But I realized how I need you
And I wondered if I could come home

I remember the time you drove all night
Just to meet me in the morning
And I thought it was strange, you said everything changed
You felt as if you just woke up

And you said
"This is the first day of my life
Glad I didn't die before I met you
Now I don't care, I could go anywhere with you
And I'd probably be happy"

So if you want to be with me
With these things there's no telling
We'll just have to wait and see
But I'd rather be working for a paycheck
Than waiting to win the lottery

Besides, maybe this time is different
I mean, I really think you like me


But, the brilliance of the song is also in the delivery.  With the acoustic guitar paired with a sweet, shy voice... it's just so sad sometimes... so lovely... quite the choice for the first track.  So, if he were to listen, this would be the initial thing he would hear.  The first song explains it all... he changed my life.  We underwent many trials and tribulations that inevitably ended our time together. My outlook has changed and it's nothing but a warm memory so I can only be nostalgic.  And, as far as the paycheck reference... I'm not really doing that at all... I should be taking initiative instead of waiting around for something that won't happen.  So, I'm just waiting to win the lottery... I should be working on getting him back... oh well.  But, what a lottery that would be to win!!! = /

Issac's Rainy Mood

Well, this has been a long day.  Stayed up reading 50 Shades (again) and suddenly it was like 4:30.  I'm awakened by Jayme texting and calling, seeing if I wanted to come to her house to ride out the storm.  Good news: Issac is just a tropical storm on our side.  Bad news: we still have to weather the bands it's bringing.  I have spent the day cruising the Internet and attempting to sleep.  It's 11:52 pm and I know that I'm not going to be able to sleep any time soon.  There has been a constant downpour for hours.  That's all well and good, but the creepy thing is the wind.  It sounds like horrible Halloween sound effects.

Back to Jayme:  I decide not to go down there, as it's already storming a bit and I don't want to drive in it.  I talk to Sam briefly and he warns that I shouldn't.  He's grown up in Central Fl... he knows, right?  Well, now I'm alone and scared and wishing I had braved the earlier mess to be down there.  Part of me thought that her on-again, off-again, (but now off and by her this time) boyfriend would show up and it would be hell.  Another part of me thought I'd hang with Eric.  He said it would be fine for me to drive around and whatnot... it wasn't bad.  Then I hear from him on his way over and he's like "holy shit. I may not make it."  And, he'd made the point earlier that it was going to be okay, he'd grown up there, etc.  So, if he's freaking while driving, I guess it was a good idea for me not to drive to Jayme in Boca.  Eric coming over to chill during the storms... Well, that was a flop.  It got to a point where we were kinda arguing and I believe he thought me to be jealous of he and potential other girls... well, he and I aren't together.  I finally had to tell him how I felt:  that I was void of any feelings for him or anyone down here and would probably never love anyone again.  Shit.  Is that how I really feel?  He was the closest dude to dateable that I'd met so far... but, I just would rather be with Daniel.  I'm glad that Eric and I just remained friends and didn't take that next step.  I'm sure my mind would've played tricks on me and told me that I liked him.  It has done that in the past.  So, Eric leaves and I'm left to handle this storm alone.

So, people have experienced this... no big deal, they tell me... whatever.  Um, I didn't grow up with this.  I grew up with the soft, quiet snow.  Yes, ice and lots of snow can kill people and the power can go out and it can be dangerous, but there's not the loudness.  The creepy wind is starting to remind me of the aliens from Sesame Street.  I don't like them at all.  Yip. Yip. Yip yip yip yip.  Yip. Yip.  Makes me shudder.  There isn't anything remotely close to creeping me out when it snows back home.  Nothing sounds like a fearful alien.  The only thing that's odd is when you step outside when the power's out (I remember this circa 8th grade) and it's like midnight and the sky is white... it's light, perhaps reflecting off of the snow.  I'm not sure why it happens or whatever, but it's soft and calm.  It's not this noisy thunder and lightening and wind.  Did I mention the wind?  lol  Sheesh.  

And here I sit.  Normally, one would think that rain storms are calming and help you sleep.  I even have a 'thunderstorms' cd and then there's always  www.rainymood.com, which is an awesome website and even has a song of the day-- today it was Death Cab for Cutie's "Summer Skin" (of all bands-- one that has gotten my attention lately... interesting).  Thank Sam for discovering that gem of a website.  Going to that site while this stuff is going on outside is kinda freaky... like surround sound or some shite like that.  lol

So, I also had an upset stomach during the latter, Kardashian part of the evening.  I became ill and am still sipping the Ginger Ale.  I think I've just been hyped about this storm and wondering what's going to happen and what to do.  I don't know.  I just feel like this keeps going on and the howling wind haunts me.  I wish, instead, the wind was calming music, but, alas, no.  I suppose I should take MY rainy mood elsewhere and turn off the computer.  Back to Ana and Christian, I suppose.

Next time we're supposed to get one of these things, I'm hauling ass out of here.  Either that or stocking up on earplugs so that yippy alien wind doesn't scare me.  Now is the time I'm wishing I had a cat and/or boyfriend.  Again, sheesh.

Crazy, Stupid Love

So, I have free HBO for the first few months that I have cable here... just like I did when I first moved to Brunswick Apartments.  And, of course, they play the same movies over and over again...  just like 10 years ago, when Moulin Rouge! was on rotate and a certain 21-year-old beautiful boy was sprawled out on my floor while Tara and I sat on my couch, watching it. 

Tonight I passed over Happy Feet 2, Game Change, and Knight and Day (American Psycho wasn't playing tonight) to watch Crazy, Stupid Love.  Yes, Ryan Gosling, your abs DO look like they're photoshopped.  Good movie, overall.  And, of course, another thing hitting home about the choice I should've made... or should make.  I don't know how to take it.  I'm so back and forth on the whole issue.  Part of me just wanted to go out and buy the dvd and mail it to him.  But, how certain am I that he'll even watch it, let alone listen to anything I say or read anything I write?  So many emotions during a very emotional week.  So, the theme of the movie, which is repeated throughout:

You should fight for your soulmate. 

Cat People

So... talking to Robin and Sammy and both are so pro-cat and I even went to a Petco to check out Tinkerbell (but it was too late-- she'd been adopted).  Mom mentioned that maybe I DID need to get a cat.  So, had some cider, thinking about going to scary Boynton Wal-Mart, and wasting time looking at catteries in S Florida.  Who knew that there was a ragdoll breeder in St. Cloud... but, then again, the cats kinda look like the people.  lol  Called Robin to get the name that her Tinkerbell is from (she's a persian seal point that looks and feels and almost acts like a ragdoll-- I liked her a lot).  Meanwhile, trolling for cats... and whilst doing so, came across this:

Whaaaa?  That's kinda morbid.  I'm not quite sure what to make of it.  I feel like I should be laughing at it, but then I think about all the poor little kitties in the world whose owners need to heed this warning... apparently like Mom and Dad... Miss Muffit Mittens got out yesterday and sauntered inside with pricklies in her tail.  This was all during the new countertop-install.  Today, Mom sent me pics of her watching Tom and Jerry... apparently was quite content for 15 minutes.  lol  Wish I had a better phone so that I could upload those pics.  Cartoons and golf.  That cat is a mess... more human than animal, my parents insist... and I believe I agree.  So, even though her mother is being sold, I feel like perhaps I should go the route of my parents' neurotic cat and get a good ol' Lima, Ohio ragdoll.  If the baby has 1/8 of the personality that Po Po has, she'll be a riot.  Then there's adoption vs breeder and I know it's better to adopt and save a life, but breeders will keep breeding anyway and I kinda want to know what I'm getting... but, they always say that you should get 2-- to keep each other company during the day.  Mom regrets not getting a second.  Oh well, I can't decide on a first.

But then there's the doubt that's placed in me that I can't take care of myself, let alone another living creature. My Mom has said it before.  Daniel once said it.  And, although it stings, I do find myself wondering if I could ever really be a mother, as maybe I am selfish or irresponsible.  I just don't know.  I guess I could try with a cat, but I don't want to just get one as some sort of experiment.  :(  I just need something to love that will love me back.  But, after living alone and being such a creature of habit, I wonder if it would get on my nerves... so much back-and-forth, debating with myself on a blog that no one reads.  Oh well.  I have something to research and think about, although the costs incurred will probably be the deciding factor and cause me not to get a kitten.  I suppose I've thought this through before.  Oh well... at least I have that weird-ass flat cat picture now... and this one (which is flippin' hilarious and found on a breeder's site):

I'll bet that ragdoll doesn't go outside (lmao)

We'll see what happens, Puss Puss... I'm allergic to you, anyways.

“Whatever gets you through the night”

So, I think I'm getting sick. It's times like these that I miss my old jobs... those where I wasn't in close proximity to so many people every day at work... people who have all been sick in the past week. And there's also the log in computer screen that we all touch at least 4 times a day (at least they have hand sanitizer beside it now). Mom thinks I should carry around clorox wipes. lol At this point, with my throat throbbing, I might just do it.

So not feeling like I'm going to be able to sleep tonight. With the combination of this sore throat and stomachache and the thought of what I have to do tomorrow, I don't know how I'll sleep. :( Tomorrow is going to be hell. Nikki told me what to expect and that it's not going to exactly be comfortable or pain-free. Ahh well... I have to do it. And maybe if I'm lucky, Dr. OB will give me something to kill this pain. Perhaps I'm not going to get what Kesha had, as I still have my voice. Hoping I don't. Perhaps it's anxiety for tomorrow... combination of both? Hmm... Boring blog.

A Haribo Gummy Bears commercial just came on tv... his favorite. Why can't I go two seconds without seeing something that's all about him? Sorry about that... back to me... I think... I'm thinking that I slept too much today after I got home. Boo. We shall see.

too much personal information?

This is what I wish my life was:

Maybe that's too much information.  Maybe it's a bad idea for me to be posting such personal feelings on here.  A former shrink (my favorite) once said you should never write anything down, for it could be used against you in some form later... he was talking of a murder that was framed as a suicide, as the person wasn't doing well and had been writing about his/her feelings.  But, here I am again.  Not that anyone is reading this.  I suppose I just need to get it out on something better than Microsoft Word, to be stored and ignored.

"life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans"

I guess it's about time.  Justin Grip always said that I should write a novel.  He thought it would be hilarious.  That's debatable, but here I am... getting ready to share my life with the world.  I'm not sure who will read, but here we go...

So, are you wondering about the title of the blog?  Indeed, the Beatle is known for his lyrical genius and I am, indeed, thinking of one that's so relevant, especially as I am now in my 30s, wondering where my life went and looking upon my accomplishments or lack there of .  I have always identified somewhat with this quote, but now more than ever...

So, here's what I was thinking:
"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans."

But, now as I think of all the things that he said and sang, I think that, perhaps, I might just use these brilliant words to title my entries... although I think I'd like to use song titles... we'll see.  But, life has gone by and I don't know when this happened.

Until next time...

8.17.12  My first blog on this site.